Noir Note
by chihuahua0
Summary: A noir spoof where a private eye named L investigates the chain of deaths of businessmen.


**Author's Notes: As you can tell from the title, this is a Noir, based on Death Note. It is a spoof on the genre, involving plot elements from all the arcs of the story. Prepare for plot twists, references, and genre savvyness.  
Now, I have nothing much to say at this point, except to check out my main fan-fiction: _Kira is Justice_. Check it out.**

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It was another rainy day in the city of Kantobia. But as you would probably know, unless you have a head full of marshmallows, that it almost always rain. It rains so much that a little child almost never sees the light of day. I should know.

On 16th street, near an alleyway, of course, was my office. It happens to be also be my resident, with several locked doors and a rotating bookcase blocking off the second floor. The first floor is where I usually spend my days, with my black fedora and my small lollipop in my mouth.

I am Law Larson, though that isn't my real name. They call me L. I am a private eye.

Being a private eye isn't the most appeasing job in this low-down town. However, it pays the bills; for my sweets. I have to have my sweets like a baker needs his flour, or my reasoning will go down like liquor in a leaking petard. It isn't a pretty sight, I ensure you. But I'm not a pretty sight in the first place. I'm the last person a skirt would go out with.

I was eating exactly my twentieth-to-last cake (which is less than you think), when the door slammed open. The sound of a slamming door means business in my book, and I wrote my book. Out came a damsel, with the clicking of her high-heels.

This damsel was what most people would consider "beautiful". She was a petite Japanese women, with sleek black hair that most women would wear longer. Her coat was of minx, which she wore suggestively, like most of my rich women clients. The one thing that sets her apart of the others, was her look. She had the sleekness of a snake, a female snake that eats its own mate.

The dame sat down on a chair and took out a cigarette and a chrome lighter. I let her light it, in hopes that she would cough herself to death. She exhaled it in, and exhaled a long puff of smoke that only a master of cigarettes could master, "I would like to hire you for a case," the dame said. She seemed unwary as the Detective Wars of '28.

"I know," I responded in my crouching position. Most private eyes prefers setting their legs on their desk, but it is the only pose I could assume without letting my brain capabilities drop, "What's the case,"

She ignored my quirks, even though my desk was filled with cake plates, tea cups, and lollipop wrappers, "Had you heard of Kira?"

I sure recognized the name, "Yes, I do. If you are asking for me to catch him for you, you're wasting my time. I had been investigating him for a few weeks without any leads," Kira was a mysterious fellow. A vigilante, in fact. One that had pulled off the perfect crime again and again. It was good that he confined his actions on the Japanese District, or I'll be out of business like a dissolved piece of stretched taffy.

"Kira hadn't been just targeting criminals…L," the dame said, "Over the past week, honorful businessmen had been dropping left and right, both in and out the Japanese District. Remember Mr. Ford, the owner of the car company, Mr. Revere, who is the postmaster, and Mr. Baker, the-"

"-Baker, I knowed him," I was batting a eye to the other deaths, since they weren't heart attacks, like most of Kira's victims die from. Once Mr. Baker died, however, it was personal. He was the best baker I ever knew.

But I didn't make the connection between these deaths, until today.

"Why would Kira be involved in these deaths?" I asked.

The damsel crushed her cigarette on the astray and took out another one, "It's obvious. Kira had given someone in the town some of his power. There had been a huge increase of deaths in the commercial part of the Japanese District. It's bad for my business,"

I didn't like how the conversation was going, "What exactly is your business?"

She smirked. Dames are so distracting when they smirk, "You don't know me? I'm a reporter for the Japanese Kantobia Times,"

"Of course, I read your newspaper," I took out my lollipop stick and replaced it with an apple-favored one, "What exactly do you want me to do?"

"Find whoever is killing the businessmen off," she said, "If you find them, I'll reward you handsomely," she ended with a suggestive tone. I saw her opera gloved hand reach into her impossibly small green purse.

Once she reached in it, I knew it wasn't for an advanced.

We both drawed out revolver pistols. I stood up and held mine with only two fingers; she held it with one hand.

"You are as smart as I thought," the dame said, "No wonder you are called 'The City's Greatest Detective',"

"World's greatest," I corrected, "I knew something was up with you,"

"I was hoping you would find them for Lord Kira," she said as she squeezed the trigger, "But I just have to shoot-"

I shot first. An injection bullet shot through the air, and hit her at the neck, just above her necklace. She fell gracefully like a feather, and fainted on the ground.

I walked from my desk to examine her. I regonized her as Kiyomi Takada, one of the best reporters in the whole city. What a waste, it seemed like she was working for Kira, and apparently worshipped him. I didn't kill her, however. I only gave her a sugar high, with a sugar cookie, which knocked her out. I would drag the dame to a local police station, where she would be put in jail for assault.

Based on her dialogue, it seems like whoever is killing off all the businessmen got Kira's power without him knowing. It would be a race to see who will find them first. It I get to the finish line first, I might catch Kira in the act.

And I will, because I am justice.

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**More Author's Notes: Did you see that coming? I bet some of you hope that it was Misa, and L would've killed her, but it was Takada. Don't worry (or do), she's not completely out of the picture, of course.  
So, this will unfold differently, since L is alone, for now.  
Want to guess what will happen next? Review, please...**


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